You’re Unhappy Because You decide To Be Unhappy

Come on…snap out of it.
That’s usually the advice about married life that you get from those well meaning friends and family about being unhappy. To them it matters not that being unhappy is not just an emotional state for the moment with you, it very much a state of life.

When we first got married I thought my lovely was just naturally cheerful. Quite the contrary. When we first started dating she was frequently unhappy with some of my less than caring ways in which I expressed myself. But she turned that around real quick, using the techniques I’ll try to describe here.

When you’re unhappy, it’s because you’ve decided to be unhappy is the theme of this conversation. Maybe it wasn’t a conscious decision; maybe it crept up on you while you weren’t looking–but it was a decision nonetheless. And that’s good news, because you can decide not to be unhappy and instead to just be plain happy. You just need to understand how and why you make certain decisions.

What are the rules?

Happiness and unhappiness (in work, finances and married life) result entirely from the rules in your head that you use to evaluate these events. Those rules determine what’s worth focusing on, and how you react to what you focus on. Happiness or being unhappy.

Many people have rules that make it very difficult for them to be happy and very easy for them to be unhappy and sometimes downright miserable.

One time early on in the marriage I was explaining to my lovely about this person who was always getting angry with people around her where she worked. The moment anything didn’t go the way she thought it should go, she’d be screaming in somebody’s face. She was making everyone around her miserable–but just as importantly, she was making herself miserable, because just about anything set her off. For her, the everyday nonsense that goes on in every workplace was not just important, but crazy-making important. If she’d only put that much effort into making it like a relationship.

So I asked her what made her happy. Her answer: “The only thing that makes this blankety blank job worthwhile was having a large bank account.” I asked her how often that happened. Her response: “About once a year.” In other words, she had internal rules that guaranteed she’d be unhappy and miserable on a day-to-day basis, but only happy once a year.

As I explained further to the wife…she should have the exact opposite set of rules. My philosophy to her was that every day above ground is a good day. When I encounter setbacks, I shrugged them off–because, according to certain internal rules, they just weren’t that important. In other words, you’re unhappy because you choose to be unhappy.

My strategy: how to make yourself happier in three easy steps:

1. Document your current rules in your marriage. Set aside a half-hour of alone time and, being as honest as you can, write down the answers to these two questions:

What has to happen for me to be happy?

What has to happen for me to be unhappy?

As you examine those rules, have you made it easier to miserable than to be happy? If so, your plan is probably working.

2. Create a better set of rules

Using your imagination, create and record a new set of rules that would make it easy for you to be happy and difficult to be unhappy. Try these examples: “I enjoy seeing the people I work with each day…or, I really hate it when natural disasters destroy my home.”

Don’t worry whether or not these new rules seem realistic–that’s not the point. All internal rules are arbitrary, anyway. And…

3. Post the new rules where you’ll see them. When you’ve completed your set of new rules, print out them out.

Having those new rules visible when you’re doing other things gradually re-programs your mind to believe the new rules. You’ll find that you’re no longer unhappy and you’ll be happy in your work, your marriage and you life. It’s really that simple.

A Friend in Business…and Life…Always,

-Lon-

Tagged with: emotional • happiness • happy • marriage • married ife • money • relationships • rules • unhappiness • unhappy

Filed under: A Marriage • Dating advice • Good marriage • Marriage • Marriage problems • Marriage tips for men • Marriage tips for women • Relationship • Romance • Ucategorized • UnHappy Marriage Tips • What is marriage

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