Don’t Just Sit, Soak And Sour For A Successful Marriage

There comes a time in every one’s life when they ask that inevitable question about their existence, their reason for being…they ask…just what am I doing here?

In a successful marriage, that day or time usually comes with a great change in attitude in the relationship. And that usually comes about when there has been a difference of opinion. The proverbial storm brewing in paradise. The problem happens when you just sit, soak and sour.

In order to overcome this little paradox, don’t just sit, soak and sour.

Don’t just sit around getting lost in the excuses of what happened and wondering what you could could have done better or what you could have done to prevent it from happening in the first place. It is when you sit sour and soak that you get blindsided by negativity and you waste an awful lot of precious time justifying your existence in the relationship and your married life in particular. Being an inactive participant can only cause more harm and leads to despair and depression. Or, if you are an overactive participant it goes totally in the opposite direction and anger and frustration rears it ugly head and makes married life miserable and uncomfortable for both parties. For a successful marriage, don’t just sit soak and sour.

Whatever you do don’t get mired and confused about your relationship. A successful marriage requires that you don’t just soak in your troubles like frog legs being tenderized for dinner! Take charge of the situation early and resolve any and all things that are coming between you. Face to face – talk about it.

Don’t lose sight of the purpose for getting married in the first place. Love, joy, comfort and security. You made promises and vows to each other to support and care for through the thick and thin of it all. To sit and soak is to admit defeat and give in. You are much better than that. Life is short you need to break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably…and never regret anything that made you smile.

To become sour is to give the devil his due. Carrying hate and mistrust around on display like a gigantic chip on your married shoulders is just heartbreaking. Again I say, You are much better than that. Don’t just sit, soak and sour.

That sour attitude not only ruins your chances at a successful marriage, but it becomes part of you internally and it carries over into so many other parts of your life. People can see it in your eyes and on your face. You become the person that people want to stay away from instead of being the kind generous forgiving and loving person that your spouse knows that you are…and deep down inside you too know that you are as well.

This did not start out or was intended to be a pep talk, but I just gotta say…I am your biggest fan. I am behind you 110%! To have a successful marriage and make it to the 30 plus year mark means that you are striving for long lasting perfection in your relationship.

Until the next time, go nautical…fair weather, smooth seas and good sailing. There’s more to a successful marriage than to just sit soak and sour.

A Friend in Business and Life…Always,
-Lon-

A Bridge Over Troubled Waters To A Successful Marriage

The songs that make up our lives in a successful marriage on a daily basis are the tunes that set the mood of our days together. I am sure that you often hear a piece of music that reminds you of your marriage throughout the course of everyday.
You could be in an elevator, the doctors office or even the grocery store…you hear music. It could even be the harmonious sounds of just a bunch of people talking in the background that brings a song to mind that relates to your marriage. I have heard more often that the calming effects of a slow and melodious tune like a Bridge Over Troubled Waters by the Beatles has that kind of effect in aiding the healing process that leads to a successful marriage.

Think about it. When stressed over the usual and daily routines of married life, the relationship itself, money and finances, kids or work…you definitely need something to calm the nerves. When this happens, to relieve the stress, some may take to things that are not necessarily good for them or the relationship (I will address those in another writing at another time). Things like food or drink or other outside activities that will undoubtedly lead to other and more difficult problems.

Like I said, things that could have some very negative or adverse affects to your successful marriage. Remember…we want the positive affects to be our primary focus in this happy and successful adventure to a long life together here.

Music is a great source to de-stress by. The great compensator. The bridges we create in our lives cover a variety of areas to allow us to get from one side of our relationships to the other. A successful marriage is built upon many a bridge over troubled waters. That does not meant that we just start on one side and cross over to the other side to keep from getting wet or avoiding the heavy traffic in our busy lives. Some of the great spans that we create can be used as bridges are…to bridge or tie one side of our relationship to the other.

Another point I wanted to make here before I go too far and find myself dangling over my own bridge over troubled waters… is that in crossing this bridge in our minds, is to not be in such a rush to get to the other side. Sometimes you can just need to pause on the journey of what is causing your stress and as they say…admire the scenery.

This would be that part of the journey of a successful marriage that a psychologist or some other marital expert would see where music (or taking a time out, counting to ten etc.) would be the most beneficial to your relationship.

Everyone has a favorite song or some such that they can relate to bring them to that state of nirvana that puts you on that peaceful stretch or span of the bridge over troubled waters in your married life to where you can see the other side of what is causing your particular frustration and from that vantage point with the aid of a simple song or tune, you can not only come to a peaceful resolution to the particular problem but enjoy the time and view in crossing your very own bridge over troubled waters that leads to not only a very successful marriage, but all aspects of your life.

Peace be with you.

A Friend in Business and Life…Always,
-Lon-

The Defensive Marriage Act That Makes For A Great Stage Play

No my friend…this is NOT a political statement concerning state of married life today.
It is instead about the role me and my lovely play in our very own long running show (Acting Out Our Lives On The Human Stage of Broadway…or wherever) of 30 plus years.
The stage was set long ago amid the flashing lights of our dreams. We paid the price to get the tickets to our very own front row seats to a major production called married life and relationship stardom.

Well here we are, strutting about the stage of married life in the defensive marriage act of our acting careers as if we wrote the complete screen play ourselves.

This defensive marriage act of ours was written and designed to be acted out between two people not being on their best behavior. You see, somewhere in this lifelong drama about our relationship, there may be a forgotten or dropped line or two…a stumble, stammer or stutter if you will.

This is where it becomes a defensive act. In real life you know…the he said she said part of the program where they don’t really talk to each other.

In a marriage, people can and do get defensive about anything. More often than not, these defenses really are pretty petty in nature an do get blown way out of proportion. It’s a case of wanting or needing to be right most often that causes the split…the great divide that leads to a cold dinner (if you are lucky) or a night on the sofa.

The pretense or what I am calling the defensive act in our little life play really does hing on the smallest of attitudes that belies the true nature of a successful marriage. The relationship thrives or suffers from a lack or willingness to admit that what is the cause of a certain angst is simply giving in to that admission.

For instance, the proverbial leaving the clothing on the floor when coming in from work or play. If one is a neat person and the other is not (I prefer to think I am neat in my own way) then that little scenario is going to literally drive that person to igniting a very short fuse in the relationship.

Whereas I have always thought the simple fix to this little problem would be to leave the clothing, shoes, tools or whatever…right where they are. When the irresponsible person falters or trips over their own messes, there should be an awakening to the fact that your partner 1) does not like the idea of your casual and 2) they are not going to continually clean up after you.

Married life and a successful marriage is based on sharing not only the heart and soul of your mate, but everything that binds you together. That is the meaning of respecting the peace of mind and space of your lovely. Upon successfully tripping over my own shoes over time, I have learned (or did she program me?) to put my stuff away and give cause to not having a discussion about said items in the first place!

The defensive marriage act does make for a great play in married life. Just think. As you step out on the stage of real life and the bright lights of your life and time together smacks you into playing your part to your very best, you realize just how much you really do love, cherish, honor and and are willing to obey your best friend. Be the bigger person, admit your carelessness…and get on with your life!

A Friend in Business and Life, Always

-Lon-

A Successful Marriage: The Nature Of The Game

No matter the sport, you are going to hit or be hit or at least challenged somewhere or sometime in the game. A successful marriage is no different.

People do not get married just to face and overcome challenges. They know there will be some challenges and they properly prepare for them as best they can…or at least that’s the game plan, you know, the nature of the game.

Choosing sides for a friendly game may work well on sand lots or school playgrounds, but to have a successful marriage, the nature of the game dictates that choosing sides or even choosing a special person to play life’s game with for all it’s worth takes some planning. Having the right presence of mind to win in the game of married life requires some special strategies. You may know very well your opponents…work, money, obligations, finances etc..

A marriage is indeed a team concept. You play a different game every day of your married life and you definitely have to be on the same page of the playbook or you will otherwise find yourself scrambling to play a lot of pick up games to get back into a regular rotation where your team can become the designated winner.

A successful marriage means the world in team support and having the proper equipment to play the game. Take your pre-game locker room or sideline field huddle pep-talk for instance. The main point in getting everyone (the two of you) together is to make sure that you understand the nature of the game and to be successful in it’s outcome.

I liken my marriage to a football game. You are gonna get hit…get ready for it…it’s the nature of the game!

The things that come at you in married life weigh far more than any 300+ pound somebody putting up a virtual wall between you and your spouse or comes at you at a blindingly slow speed to stop you cold. We huddle, we call plays (who’s taking the kids to school, when to pick up milk on the way home), we un-huddle, step back and prepare to throw the winning touchdown pass only to discover that we are both trying to not only win the game…but we are both trying to throw the ball.That just can’t be. It just wont work. There has to be a passer and a receiver.

Now going into the game of marriage, it was way long ago that we decided who would participate in which role…the recurring problem comes about tho that to remain in a successful marriage you have to switch those roles comfortably often and accept that no matter who or which is better at it, there will be instances where you have to give in and make the sacrifice to let the other person fumble the ball. The winning strategy in this case is not to give up or give in when this happens, but rather do the old married life high five and keep on truckin’ down the road.

Here’s to hoping your married life continues to be in the play-offs of a successful marriage and the trophy that you proudly display on the mantle of your time together is that it was all for love.

A Friend in Business and Life, Always

-Lon-

An Arsenal Of Weapons To Use In The Battle For Your Good Marriage

One of the more shocking revelations to being socially active in a personal relationship is that feeling of being alone in a crowd…especially when the crowd is only you and your spouse. Socially awkward. Social misfits. I’m sure there is a name for it somewhere.

However, one of the greater advantages to this dilemma is indeed the fact that you do have quite an arsenal at your disposal to battle this so called social phenomenon.

Married life and a successful marriage embodies a few of it’s own tools to take on any subject or encounter that you could even remotely imagine happening during the course of your relationship.

Just think of all those hopes and desires that you had when you first met and I think you will be very surprised to find that for the most part they are all still there!

Yes, with these simple tools or weapons, you do have an arsenal to use in the battle for your good and successful marriage.

Once you start to build on the foundation of a life together, the bit by bit responses that are supplied toward building that relationship are like the arrows in the quiver of a skilled archer.

They are plenty, they are well made and they are right on target when aimed and shot with the purpose for which they were intended.

Your arsenal includes love, hope, trust, patience ad peace. A successful marriage is made up these (and many many more) that you come by naturally in the course of your life together.

These will be the things that define your little life long group activity, the things that prepare you for the inevitable marriage battles, the things that provide the warmth and security of a tempered relationship in your married life.

The tools of communication and willingness are just what you need to build on that relationship too. Whether you’re building up or tearing down, planting or plowing… it is these tools and or weapons that will carry you to the far reaches of a long life together.

The ribbonic highway of my 30 plus years has been lined with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortunes and whole lotta misfortunes…more than your average medieval stage play to a successful marriage I might add.

This arsenal is meant to not only protect you, but help you adjust and sustain you in your quest to defeat the enemies of love, money, finances, jealousy, heartache and a whole slew of good and bad thoughts and actions that you will pass in the darkness of night as well as the brightness of your days together.
Hold that thought…heed that warning…let no man put asunder.

You know an arsenal does not always have to mean negative things or even be the mantra for battles or war…like most titles that we tend to assign our words to, an arsenal could be the wealth of a hope chest designed to provide you with the positive rewards of a long and lasting time together in your marriage.

These weapons could very well be love, honor, cherish and obey…now that my friend is a good arsenal.

A Friend in Business and Life…Always,
-Lon-

Time Truth And Communication, The Paradox Of Marriage

If and when you read between the lines of marriage, and if you’ve been married for more than a little while you
will…you will discover the paradox that best describes the relationship: we seem to have more, but are enjoying it less.
Everything as we know it is bigger faster better and yet at the same time, smaller slower and not made to last. We don’t want our relationships to end up the same way.

A successful marriage is the result of time, truth and communication. In this day and age, in trying to make that work we tend to spend more on a large house and get less for it when we end up with a broken home…then we buy even more and the result is that we enjoy it far less.

We go to school to get more educated and come out years later with much less than actual common sense.

Married life is a struggle full of emotions like love and happiness. We have caused such a split in our relationships that we make it harder and harder to have both…love and happiness. We tend to get more angry in the vicious cycle of one-upmanship in business, work and life that it carries over into our married lives and can affect everything in it. We tend to forget that the major function of the relationship is that of not knowing when to let go of these minors that we make so often make major.

We have doubled and sometimes tripled our possessions and at the same time reduced the value that we put on our marital value systems…you know…we put more into making a living, but not a life.
Check it out. We have been to outer space and back, made nice with every foreign entity on the planet and have yet to cross the street to meet our neighbors.

Then how are we to maintain a simple and proper marriage relationship?

How quickly we fall or stoop to the lower levels of sense and sensitivity when we become men and women of great stature and live and act with such small character.

Time truth and communication are not a throwaway morality to be left at the alter.
This is where you need to step up and realize that you need to spend more time with your loved one. Neither of you s going to be around to fight forever!

A successful marriage really does mean saying kind words to that special personwho looks up to you. It is not all about money and finances…remember, that a warm heart felt hug given is a treasure that doesn’t cost you a cent.

When you say I love you…mean it. Say it often. A kiss and an embrace goes a long ways to healing a hurt when it comes from deep within you. Something as simple as holding hands can lead to a cherished moment, especially for the other person. Don’t be selfish or stingy with your affections toward the one you love. If there is to be success in your marriage and married life, it must begin with you giving time to share precious thoughts that you have in your mind.

Remember: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away.”

A friend in Business and Life…Always,

-Lon-

Marriage, Trueness Versus Newness

There is a saying that: If it is true, it is not new…If it is new, then it is not true.
In a healthy and successful marriage, this is a daily discovery that men and women come to realize without end.

That is the whole point of marriage is it not? The discovery phase of the relationship. Well at least it was in the beginning. Curiosity was at it’s height when we were dating and after getting serious enough to make that next step. Don’t get ahead of me!

As I look back on those of summer days and evenings of chasing butterflies and fireflies, life had it’s own deliberate purpose and I had come to the realization that I could not control it…nor did I want to control it…it was after all, perfect.

Certainly true in every sense of the word … and new enough to never want to let it go.

I speak of the marriage relationship in terms of knowing that moment in time when things simply could not have been any better. A time when you could easily shut out the rest of the meddling, dishonest, hurting world and be thankful for your life. A time when you did not have to explain every little item of your personal feelings about what you said or did…it was simply understood. Kind of like when a persons word was his bond. A handshake spoke volumes.

The newness of marriage stares life square in the face of reality and defies it to make a difference. I mean that you simply can not get or have a better outlook in a relationship than that of being married. It encompasses every nuance of the best there is that a relationship has to offer to the pleasant extreme and the daunting worst that mankind can inflict upon us.
That my friend is exactly why and when you discover the trueness of life upon finding the one special person that you want to run through fields chasing butterflies by day and fireflies by night with, you discover that nothing else really matters.

Marriage holds true the thoughts that love, money, trust, hope and security are all the blessings of good fortune that will forever entwine two people “til death us do part”.

Either that or her first home cooked meal because she had never cooked a meal before!
Ahhhh…the ties that bind us together.

If it is true, it is not new…If it is new, then it is not true.

Not quite the conundrum that some will have you believe what married life is all about. Respect and authority rules with an iron, firm, yet fair and just hand when two people come together to be as one. It is out of that dedication and love for one another that a successful marriage is birthed, raised and starts a long and winding road to forever together.

Very much like the 30 plus years that have kept me entertained thus far!

I have no doubt whatsoever that you will find and share this sentiment if you have not already. Whether trueness or newness, you will find your way to happiness and one day will pass on your thoughts, trials and tribulations as well as all the joys that you put in your bucket of life to claim as your rights to a successful marriage.

I applaud you.

A Friend in Business and Life…Always,

-Lon-

Dealing with guilt in a marriage

Deal with it! Really! Seriously!

Admit, acknowledge, and take full responsibility of your guilt.

Blame heredity, society, the flaw of nature, whatever or whomever you think you may need to…the bottom line is that you have to make that bold statement that will turn out to be your lifesaver…I am the one, it is my responsibility, I have no one else to blame.

Don’t try to soft peddle what you have done. The theme in your marriage at this point reads like an old bad western movie. It’s the good, the bad and the ugly syndrome that makes married life real and to the point. (Actually, that was a pretty good movie!) Now, if only you just ride the range and shoot your way through your problems, your marriage would be the success you want or need it to be.

Confess your acts and transgressions thru and to a higher power. And believe it or not…that IS NOT you.
Everyone needs help in some for or another an sometime in their life. It could be as simple as talking to another person. You may not see the sense in it and you may not even like the thought of it. But, the fact of the matter is that a successful marriage thrives on person to person contact. That may have to be strangers or at least someone  outside the immediate family. The old dis-interested third party if you will. A person  or persons that really do have your best interest at heart…not just because they feel sorry for you or just because they simply like you.

Acknowledge that you are wrong…have been wrong and have done wrong.
If need be admit, that you will be and do wrong again.
There more to that statement…you are only human…than you think. It’s a standard that describes the flaws of all of us in so many ways. The catch is that it is and certainly should not be used as a crutch to satisfy your feelings by rationalizing everything under the sun. The success in marriage comes without any extraordinary attachments like having to lie and cheat your way to happiness.

It’s not like you can just go down the local health food store and stocking up on Hysop to cleanse yourself from the inside out. There is no pill or magic potion that can fix you or your marriage. You must do it yourself. There’s no magic marker to blot out your guilt in marriage…nothing to otherwise color or paint married life as a success if you have secrets that make you hurt deep down inside.

Being a back slider to the joy in your marriage has consequences of it’s own. More guilt. Don’t let that get you down. In fact don’t even think about it. The best advice here is to stay as far away from your past as possible.

Focus on the future so that you never have to go through this again. It’s a very simple and very effective step to take in the war on your sanity. Far too many people in their married lives live daily in the their past. Just re-living the guilt over and over again like some sort of twisted scene from the movie Groundhog Day.

No matter what you have done…no matter how bad you think it is, there is nothing … nothing … that cannot be forgiven.

A Fiend in Business and Life…Always,

-Lon-

Married Life, Lightening And Thunder, The Mother Of All Storms

Just like any and most storms on the horizon of life, married life is a given.

Yes Siree Bob…the sunny days of a healthy and happy relationship can give way to the thunder and lightening of up drafts and down drafts that can one minute hide the sparks of matrimony and in the next, open the very same floodgates of varying emotions.

Like lightening and thunder: you can see when it is coming…and…you feel it when it when you don’t.

The weather patterns of day to day living are pretty much the same as that of a successful or not so successful marriage. You see when you compare the two, the periods of whatever activity is happening in your life can be matched to the unintended conditions of your environment. Take for example when it’s raining, you are probably no doubt in somewhat of a wet or at least a damp mood. Whereas, weather wise, if the sun is shinning, you are probably kicking up your heels with joy and exclamation.

Marriage tends to run the gamut of emotions and weather related patterns in our lives and we can chart the ebb and flow just like the monthly paycheck and carrying a rain coat. It’s not that unpredictable when it comes to how, when and where our emotions get the best of us. Good days – feeling good. Dark and cloudy days – feeling not so good.

So what is the answer you ask. Pack up and move to Hawaii?
You know as well as I do…that just is not going to happen (at least anytime soon…but I am working on it!)

But just like the thunder and lightening in our daily lives, our married lives can come equipped with certain protections that can make our day. If we have good (sunny) days, we tend to uncover, release a wealth of happiness to all around us. If we tend to get depressed by dark (cloudy/stormy) days, we want our significant other to know that we are hurting and need their comfort. We want to see when the bad stuff is coming and not have to feel it when we don’t see it coming.

What is a marriage, and especially a successful marriage, can best be described as the Mother of all storms!

No No No….it is not fighting or arguing or any of that silly goofy disagreeing stuff…married life runs the range of emotional weather patterns that best defines the make up of your success in health, wealth and happiness.

Just remember guys: “Happy Wife…Happy Life”.

Now all I need is a good weather analogy for women towards men. Hmmmmm….
I’ll let you ponder that one for yourself. Let me know what you come up with. As they say, good luck with that!

You will no doubt make it as a success in your marriage as long as you don’t go running down the fairway of love and romance carrying a long shiny pointy metal thing that will surely attract the lightening of your spouse. And by the way…posturing with rumbles of thunder as you try to get your way will get you nowhere quick too!

Just like the weather, thunder and lightening, good and/or bad, marriage is a compromise…and the best umbrella you have for a rainy day or your favorite hat to shade you on a hot sunny day … is the person you committed to for better or worse, for richer or poorer…hum along if you know the words.

A Friend in Business and Life, Always,

-Lon-

Marriage, Married Life And The Mother Of All Apologies

What is right with the world? Well that seems to be the problem!
Let’s just back up a few years in this 30 plus year saga.
Marriage and married life is not a problem. The issue these days seems to be how it is being done. Apology accepted.

When I started this writing it was with the intent that I was going to apologize to my spouse as publicly as possible. There is absolutely nothing wrong with marriage, married life or mothers in general!

But if I had to make an apology (and I gladly do) to anyone, it would indeed be to my spouse for all the hours, days, weeks, months and years of not understanding her.
Let me clarify that just a little further.
More times than not, I have said that I hear and understand those feelings, conversations, ideas and not only what was being said, but actually what was meant in the delivery.
Well I did not. To put it mildly, I failed miserably!

We as male beings tend to end conversations we do not want to have by sometimes agreeing to and not really listening to and most certainly not understanding the why of what was said. Well…no more…

I hereby proclaim by all that is right on her behalf that I now do understand and offer to apologize on my behalf for not listening and understanding wholeheartedly.

If you are looking for specifics here…don’t.
First and foremost, there would be a guh-zillion. Not only would it not be fair to list any of those specifics, as you no doubt know, the most probable and damaging one’s would be left off the list …and we all know what that would lead to! No arguments here.

To be totally fair and honest though, at this particular point in time it would be best and a heck of a lot safer to start with day one of the courtship and pen every moment to paper all those atrocities of love and romance and simply call it the encyclopedia of the mother of all apologies…volume one.

A successful marriage is the epitome of understanding no matter the cause or course of he said she said. This is where your poor wretched and tortured soul begins to comprehend the effects of just how idiotic can one person be towards another.
No amount of apologizing can ever make up for the inconsiderate behaviors you have displayed during the course of the long term relationship.
After all, she is the one sustained and endured all my misgivings all these years.

The mother all apologies is just the beginning of this heartfelt process and I can only earnestly hope that she accepts it with the grace and dignity that I have come to know that she as a person has for me.

Nothing ventured…nothing gained.
I said I do then … and I meant it.
As married men, we have been saying I do ever since.
That makes the above statement now to read…Everything ventured…everything gained.

A Friend in Business and Life… Always,

-Lon-